When I was little I felt inferior to that little white girl, with the long legs, the bright eyes and gold hair that was smiling on my favorite tv shows, on cereal boxes; almost everywhere I looked.
Look- I’m not saying that I wasn’t a cute kid or that people didnt tell me that I was pretty- nothing like that.
I’m simply saying that the subliminal tactics to demean people of non-aryian mold affected me too!
And fast forward to more recent years, where I wore a brand that promoted the same all American girl…. I just felt defeated. No matter how thin i was, no matter if I took out all my piercings and covered my tattoos; even when I was in perfect “look policy” and my hair was perfectly conditioned and long…. I swear I still felt inferior. Just…. Less than ideal. Funny that I worked for that company. I’m sure it didnt help.
I am 5ft tall and multi-racial. I do not look my best without a little help from mascara and a good eyebrow wax. I sometimes look 12. I’m not a model or an actress.
These days my big insecurity shines through in relationships. No matter how good it’s going, or how great I feel about myself, this issue finds a way to weasel from the back of my mind.
Here I am, in inter-racial relationships, and having this problem!
I then find myself trying to one-up this ghost by wearing the right makeup, the right clothes, having the most likable personality….. compensating compensating. In the back of my head I’m thinking that I am not the ideal, and for that I insecurely look over my shoulder thinking that someday this girl is going to swoop in and steal the damn show.
The false “ideal” that is haunting me needs to go away. I want her to go away and to stop poisoning the minds of other girls who, like myself, have no reason at all to feel less than ideal. And who have no reason to second think that they deserve to be worshiped for who they are because everyone has their own personal greatness. Frankly we spend too much time trying to be like this girl!!! This girl that isnt that perfect after all! And!!!! We should be spending all of that wasted time finding out what our own beauty is and the power that it holds! Wtf!
I’ve acted in ways that I didnt have to and probably missed alot of opportunities to shine bc I lacked confidence in myself and my own beauty.
I hope/pray/wish that one day I can grow past this. It is my dark secret- I figured by writing this maybe I’ve acheived the first step of acknowledging the issue.
I’m about to get my body righhhhhhhttttt!!!! And that means hard core workout shape since Ramadan is at an end. What a beautiful experience- ending in a hurricane and a butterfly outside of my window. Inshallah.
Once upon a time I was a “fitness style eater”. I watched my calorie intake, had a good carb, good protein diet. Took all of my vitamins.. And for whatever reason, my body packed on the muscle so fast…!!! But for my barellllly 5ft frame, to me, I didn’t really love the results.
Then *wham!* college hit. The first 2 years were a transition from a focused athletic diet and exercise routine to an academic, art school, and alcohol atmosphere. I wasnt too crazy with the alcohol ok!!! But that was definitely a surge to late night meals, binges, and oh, did I mention the all-you-can-eat-buffet-style cafeteria?!! C’mon!
The muscle was turned to a lovely extra 20lbs that, in my opinion, weren’t too cute.
Flash forward to the end of junior year. Dating a man who I’m positive had an undiagnosed eating disorder and an alcohol problem…prompted many body image issues. Believe me it was not an easy road. Emotionally(relationship), mentally(academics), physically(poor sleep and eating habits) I was DRAINED.
Finally after some research I got the urge to become vegetarian. This was not easy! I’d tried it for a month or two here and there over the previous years. The longest it lasted was 7 months. ***RIP vegetarianism***.
Anyway being at art school ^_^ it wasn’t too long before my liberal-minded consorts posed the idea of vegan living. After the mess I was when that relationship ended, I desired an extreme change.
The extreme change was something like this:
- 8am before class workout, usually 30min cardio./ 15 min meditation (gotta get that mind right!)/ post-wake up yoga stretches (via YouTube)
-class, class, food, nap, then:
- PM intense workout, with 15-30min cardio, 20 min free weight and calistetics.
- and the big change was from occasionally omnivore to RAW Veganism!!!!
Being raw vegan was when I ever had the most energy. I don’t feel it would have worked as well during my highly athletic period, but it suited me great with my new life routine. Eating fresh food, having a controlled diet, no more concentrated sugars or artificial ingredients!!!!!::::sigh:::: that was the life. My body was in full detox in no time as I sweat out the ewwws of college life.
It took me 6weeks to slim back down to 96lbs. I did not have a fitness goal or an ideal wieght. I ate when I wanted, what I wanted within reason, and ate out at restaurants! The big deal was when i ate during the day, fresh ingredients and portion control. Also a regular exercise routine 4 days a week, and dancing maybe 1-2Xs pr wk.
Zoom to the present:
- i am no longer raw vegan (didn’t work out too well moving back home to mum’s jamaican and Chinese home cooked meals)
-I do not follow a regular workout schedule**
- I don’t watch what I eat… And as a Ramadan first-timer ( this year I choose to participate for spiritual observance) i found that I’m a hardcore binge-er aka garbage disposal at night.
- my 24 yr old metabolism is in overdrive and it takes a bit of effort to start to weight-gain wheel.
-for metal health, I start my day with 9-12 sun salutations (see YouTube) and 5-20min meditation. Sometimes a before bed meditation helps me sleep better.
-green tea! Actually I love all types of tea
I think the point here is that good fitness is always a process. It grows and shapes with you depending on your lifestyle at the time. While I’m not as strict as I once was, the good fitness memories never leave. It seems embeded in my muscle memory. Every urge to start anew is followed by a sometimes painful get-it-back-together experience. But the fact is that I am at best honest with myself about my lifestyle and what is in reason to assess my fitness goals. Honesty is the first step!
I am currently dancing(bboying) 2-6Xs a week, doing 1-3hrs sessions. Unemployment allows 4-8hrs of sleep, on average 6. I usually make the first meal the largest. Then smaller snacks throughout the day (see the 6 meals a day rules and articles). And always, portion control. Don’t let your ID get the best of you! Take your time and eat… Digestion takes about 20 mins- if you’re eating slowly by that time the last slice isn’t so appealing. Never force it.
Try to eat the best ingredients as often as you can. You’ll enjoy the flavors of the food more and! you won’t feel as guilty about eating.
I still try to follow fitness advice guidlines on what to eat and when (pre/post workout etc). That’s still in the works and saved for a future entry^_^.
Always enjoy what you do and what you eat. You’ll feel better accomplished and more fulfilled. NUMBERS are just that-numbers. They do not matter and are not reflective of health or ability. Get rid of that bathroom scale and get a kitchen one to weigh food. Aim to balance mind, spirit, and body :)
Top 6 positives:
- I’m making art and dancing ( hopefully soon to start again with pursue my dreams I’d career)
- I have someone I love who loves and values me
-my family and friends are healthy and recovering
-life is relatively drama-free
-I have a roof over my head and sometimes money finds me
- I am spiritually aware and in a good/positive emotional place. I believe in me
Top 4 bad things:
- no money, no sight of income opportunity with bills that need to be paid
-my bf is in another country that neither of us can afford to travel to see each other… And it is beyond stressful to be alone
-lack of network and support group
-living a dream sometimes means losing independence and reliability. Things in my path just aren’t as clear as they were before and I have also become scapegoat and workhouse for the family since thats the only method of repayment.
My point is that things aren’t all sunshine. I am working to get through it but I’m not Jesus or a freaking saint. So friends, if you’re reading this, please abstain from the “it could be worse”, “stay positive”, “dont make such s big deal” advice. Right now I can’t take people shutting me up and I reallllly do not expect people to read my journal. (bc this is a journal- so allow me to speak freely).
My point is- I’m being faced with a proposition of sacrifice considering my circumstances. I may have to give something(s) up that I really dont want to, be it material or emotional. Life is not so rosy as I may sometimes depict it. Optimism wears thin.
in honesty, judging from the claimed results of the test subjects this isnt too far off from advanced meditation. Most people can’t calm their minds or bodies to the extent needed to experience the phenomena and with this process, one is forced too.
Proof that you can't do it all at once and have things equally great
I finally went to practice today and it went well. But I came home and I was eXXXausted. I tried to work on that oil painting but I barely touched the sky and was frustrated. So I’m in bed hoping to fall asleep. Look alls I’m saying is, I can’t be great at everything all at once. When I have a great practice my creative energy goes into my dancing. When i don’t dance I’m all up on that painting like a 14yr old girl at a chris brown concert! ……..(Haaaaa side note on that- to my shame my dad asked my uncle to ask my cousin if she could get us passes for Bianca. While that would be amazing, I am a bit embarrassed, I mean, we don’t have a relationship for me to ask myself(she doesnt even follow me on twitter…) and trust me I don’t expect to make lasting family connections with anyone as they’ve all established relationships amongst themselves throughout their childhoods.. I’m just happy to know who not to have one-eyed children with……) So sleep tonight- paint tomorrow;), I hope. Bon nuit!
i’d like to make friendships with guys who don’t have ulterior motives and girls that aren’t competing
i was very lucky of the last few years to have met the people that I have and to have had so many genuine friendships…those people are so hard to find. But now that everyone is moving forward and onward it’s time for me to be open to new people in my life during this transition.
makes me sad but i don’t want to waste time and energy on pretense
I went back and read all of my old entries bc I was sure at least 1 was raw and inappropriate- and instead I found that I am growing, I am blessed, and I am not as much of an asshole as I thought! Yay!
Btw thanks for following me guys! You all really grin and bare with me :)
What has come over me? I’m up at 3pm and in bed at 6am drinking soda and making work?! I feel like a crazy person but at best this is true solitude. Now I understand that in order to not be depressed- I should create. Bc I can think of nothing else right now but making something- even if it isn’t my best it is a creation that I bring into existence. Amazing.
Anyway last thought of the night/day:
If you love something take care of it. Be responsible for it.
Please take responsibility for the earth- I can’t understand why we keep ignoring what damage we’re causing. We don’t only hurt ourselves….
First week of fasting so far:
Day 1- no problem
Day 2- messed up by practicing bass
Day 3- not too bad until the last hr
Day 4- slept most of the day but had no problem
Day 5- drank wine the night before and had to drink water in the AM
So far so good! I’m struggling with prayer though. And also not listening to music…. The smaller things are most difficult bc they challenge my daily habits and some of aspects of my personality